Have you ever felt in life that there was something greater to your purpose or felt there had to be a greater calling for your life? I’ve gone through most of my life feeling that way. Being in constant search of the purpose, my destiny, and if there was something greater than what we have been taught growing up. I would talk to soda cans as a child pretending they were my audience and I was interviewing them, I would constantly write poems and short stories during my high school years and even to this day I wake up in the middle of the night with ideas and words in my head that for so long I ignored and never wrote down.

When I was in college I became increasingly interested in being a plus size model. People never knew that modeling became an outlet because of how ugly I actually felt both internally and externally. I was physically and emotionally abused by step-parent as a child and called all sorts of names that transcended through my adult years. I went many years believing I wasn’t ever going to be anything. Adults would tell me as a kid that they were surprised I wasn’t pregnant and even in college. I’ve been the kid that everyone pegged to be a failure and the woman that many said I had something special. One of my therapists had said my aggression was a defense mechanism from having to fight for so long. I was a troubled teenager from pain I was dealing with. I spent time in a facility way up in Maryland for kids like me. I was part of the throwaways that couldn’t be controlled but were so misunderstood because of the misinformation at that time.

As I started to get into modeling not long after college, I stopped cold turkey. I was so afraid of what people what say. See when I started, the whole plus size movement didn’t have the steam or the backing it has now. I allowed my fear of judgement and critique to take the place of my dreams. Being the “you’re pretty for a big girl” wasn’t enough affirmation to give me the confidence I needed and the, so I quit. As the years went by, I also watched the women who didn’t quit make it in the industry I could have been part of if I had only had the emotional strength to endure. I also quit in communications. I went from being on the radio and buying a one-way ticket to Los Angeles the day after I graduated from college, to being at a desk job continuously looking for my way out of the rat race and office politics. I had become a quitter and I was afraid, something that through everything I had been through shouldn’t have even been an option.

Life went by and I fought through depression, anxiety, bankruptcy, an ex who had pulled a loaded gun to my head, and dark moments where I questioned my existence to only want to end it, and so much more. My relationship with my parents was strained and I was so angry. I was dealing with a hurt that I couldn’t control to the point that I would have outbursts in the wrong places at the wrong times. Not to mention that in the process, I had become a statistic; a single black mom raising a kid with an absentee father.

Here I am with degrees and certifications having to get sample cans of milk just to feed my kid because I made bad choices and I didn’t have a job paying me enough to afford all of the expenses I had racked up from what I perceived as love. Not only did I hate where I was, I had no connection with my daughter. For almost two years, I suffered from severe postpartum depression where I had thoughts of killing her and was given two options; 1. Get over it or 2. Take an anti-depressant. I tried the first one. It took time, but I did get through it and I ultimately had to acknowledge what I was going through and most of all take accountability for the parts I contributed to. The problem with getting over things without getting the appropriate help is it leaves residue. You’re never truly cleaned and healed from the experience, you just put a band aid on it or act like it didn’t exist while subconsciously expressing that pain on to others or yourself.

As life went on, I took control back over my finances, got a higher paying job, got married to a great man, moved in to  my dream house and most of all made a commitment to live my best life no matter where I was in life at that moment. But still, I felt there had to be more to life than work, eat, sleep, and follow all of the mundane rules’ society says you’re supposed to do. I still deal with being depressed at times and I still constantly work on being the best mom I can be. I’m now at a place where I was once before, where the fork has met the road. I must choose between my fears or my purpose. As I write this, I can tell you that I still have fear, but that I have made up in my mind that I will no longer stop exploring my purpose because of it. Hence, why you are reading this on my site instead of me trying to explain what I want to do with no clear direction on how to do it. I read in an amazing book by Bishop Bernard Jordan where he said “Until you know who you are, you will not understand where you belong.” I invite you with me as “my FearlesS Nfluencers” on this continual journey of choosing purpose over fear. This site and the things I’m working on almost didn’t happen because the truth is I am still afraid of birthing this vision, but I think I as well as so many of you have come too far to not give the best effort of pushing through. It’s going to be a long ride, but I am excited and thankful to have you coming along on this journey and I sincerely look forward to seeing your progress as well. Choose the course of your life, discover your purpose, live in it, and hopefully that choice won’t be fear.

In Light, In Love, and In Laughter

Sasha Nicole